The Letter
Tory,
The electricity has been out for hours. Not just here, but the whole block at least.
I’m finally scared. I held off as long as I could, tried to keep the fear at bay, but it is overwhelming. I held onto you, to your words, like they were some sort of, I want to say life preserver, but they were more like some warm blanket, a comforter maybe, keeping me from facing what was outside the cocoon. When I could say something, and you could say something back. When we could be together, if only on our phones.
Not just you, but everyone. When I was part of the world. When I could be a part of the world even as I sat in this dreadful apartment. When I could hear, could feel voices from everyone else. I’m not just lonely, Tory. I’m utterly alone. I’ve never been so frightened in all my life.
I haven’t had internet or cell signal for three days. I don’t know if radios or whatever work, but it wouldn’t matter anyway. Everything here comes through internet, so I’m completely isolated. I don’t even know what to do with this letter. You’ll never see it. What is the point?
I thought about going out. For food. I’m sure I’ll have to soon enough. As bad as it is, though, I don’t see how I can leave here without getting the thing. I’ve got some pasta, but I can’t even turn on the stove now. And there’s nothing in the fridge. Just condiments and stuff. Nothing to eat. Not that it would matter. It would all be bad by morning. At least if I got the thing, the voice or whatever would take care of me, I guess. Maybe I’ll try in the morning.
I don’t really understand it. I mean, if everyone knows what’s coming, that if you get the thing, you lose all interest in everything and just sort of lay down and die, why not just not do that? I mean, if it’s a surprise, I get it. If you’re suddenly feeling all this depression, maybe, or ennui, and you don’t know why, and you just can’t get yourself out of bed, I mean, I get that. I’ve felt that my entire life. But if you know it’s coming, if you know it’s coming from outside of you, why not just fight it? Just go about your life? I don’t get it at all.
I think this is the longest thing I’ve written at once. It’s so strange to say things without a response. Like one of those days when no one reacts to your posts and you feel like a total loser.
It’s dark, and I can’t see if anyone is in the street. My phone’s completely dead, so I don’t even have a flashlight to go to the store. If they’re even open. I have no idea what time it is. I should just sleep and try in the morning.
I’ve always felt so safe here. I hardly ever had to see anyone, could sit around and talk online if I wanted to, or tune out if I wanted. Now that I can’t tune in though, I’m feeling truly lonely for the first time I can remember. Sort of. Like waking up in the night and everyone else is asleep, and you can read posts from Europe or whatever, but it’s not the same. Except at least then there are the posts from Europe, or the old posts from earlier in the day, or the news. At least there was something. Right now, all I have are my books.
I know what you’re thinking. I should just calm down, snuggle up and read some old book I’ve read a hundred times before. But I can’t. I keep opening up books, trying, and then giving up. I can hardly read a paragraph before giving up. I just can’t focus. Can’t relax. I feel so wound up. Like there is something important I should be doing but can’t remember.
Not that it matters now. I don’t even have a candle. Never thought I’d wish I was a smoker, but right now I would kill for a cigarette lighter.
I wish you were here. Like for real. In person. Weird, but at least we’d have each other. I don’t know how much longer I can sit alone.
And I’m getting hungry.